Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Lord of the Flies

June Bugs...one of my favorite things this time of year...because it means my birthday is in 9 days :) haha But what i really want to talk about is flies. Just go with me. Today after work I decided to do something for me all by myself. To get intouch with me...so I went to one of my favorite spots on the green belt and just relaxed. Until the fly...everything was peaceful until this darn fly would not stop hovering around my head buzzing! and then it hit me....The fly is just part of being outside it is part of te nature that I run to for peace and connection. So after some moments I began to not notice the fly...I just let it be there as it is annoying and all...but none the less it faded away. It reminded me of my pain and my past in abuse. In recovery one of the hardest things for me to do is make peace with my pain and those who hurt me; including my own fears and self. But it is not something I can force myself into or ignore....because it will still be there buzzing. If I just let it be part of me; like the fly it will eventually sink in and fade away...I can notice it without it defining me or my present...and enjoy life...my life.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

bad days too

Acceptance....what does that even mean? Acceptance on days like today is one of the hardest and most confusing things to ask me to do.

another day

Hi :D

I often have a hard time getting out of my head. It feels safe there...No real connections therefore there is no real emotions. It is something I am working on. For so long my mother kept me locked in a cage; I had to learn not to exist in order to not get hurt. Numb. That has been my only feeling for so long in my eating disorder. But that is not today; and it hasn't been that way for a long time. I am learning that there are just no solutions to life's pains. We simply learn to take them with us; make them part of who we are. I am learning to let things be; to let them hurt. Let the whole exist. I find that by doing that I learn more about myself. I am not afraid of it. I get to grow and my pain becomes part of me. The tender spot that makes me human; the part that I get to share with the rest of the world. It is through my pain that I feel alive. I embrace it. Today I had no expectations I just let it unfold. It is so amazing to just let life happen. That thought used to never exist in my brain. I felt that life had a "should be plan"; ohh so far from the truth. Tonight I got to share my pain with a close friend. It amazed me how being real and vulnerable allowed someone else to share their pain. That in my story someone could identify...it is so rewarding.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

new generation, new perspectives

Hello everyone,

My name is Eric, and I am a 22 year old college student in Austin, Texas. This is my first blog ever. My first time sharing with the world what is on my mind. It is actually very scary even though I will probably never see any of your faces. But what I have to say I feel is important. What I want to share with you is my journey; of recovery and in life. As I am writing this there is a voice in my head that I have learned is not uncommon to so many. That voice that says what I have to say is unimportant, that I will fail, that I should never try. That voice that says it is not okay to believe in myself, to love myself, to share with you my struggles and my lessons learned because I am young. How many of you have that voice in your heads? It is scary when you stop and notice. But here is the secret, it is just a voice. It is a condition that I feel the world feeds in frenzy. That I am small, insignificant, why try. We see it everywhere from weight, to body image, to politics, to ambitions, and dreams, even in relationships. Afraid to put ourselves out there in fear of being judged. The reality it that this voice is our own judge. The worst one because it strikes at the core of our fears, the fear that I am not good enough. One of the things that I have learned in recovery from abuse is that the relationship that I have with myself is the most sacred. It is by nuturing myself and believing in myself that I can have real relationships with people and the world around me. When I first started believing that I could recover this voice was small. It seemed more crazy to say things like "I believe in you, you are worth it" than to beat myself up with shame and guilt. But we all do it.